I’m in love with love. There are many things that I have yet to discover about myself, but this is not one of them. I am and always will be a hopeless romantic. I know this.
I’m only eighteen and i’ve already experienced multiple forms of love and heart break, and each time I take something out of it. Here, I have summarized as best I can, the boys that have played a part in my hopelessly romantic world to date.
- I spent my early primary years chasing the neighbourhood boy around the playground trying to kiss him. His name was Conner.
- In grade three, I had three different boys compete for my love. I literally made them perform different activities and judged them to see who would win. Freddy, Matthew and Marcus. Ultimately i could never decide.
- In grade four, I “dated” one of those boys. He bought me a chocolate heart for Valentine’s day. And then shortly after, a different boy. I remember writing in my diary at the time that i liked him so much because he intentionally had himself kicked off the jungle gym so he could talk to me. His name was Mackenzie.
- In grade seven, I danced with a boy for the first time. We were “together” for two years. I can still remember the butterflies I felt when I was around him. His name was Jason.
- In high school, I had a million different crushes. One boy that I changed my mind about in grade nine because i thought his hands were too small. Another one that i gushed over but moved away. A third that I eventually found annoying.
- In the summer of grade eleven, I became friends with a boy who i’d been crushing on for a year. He was the first person to tell me I was beautiful and actually have me believe that he meant it. His name was Danny. He’s now one of my best friends.
- Shortly after that I dated the boy from elementary school again. Just over half a year. I was sure I loved him more than anything. He broke my heart.
- By the end of senior year, i wanted simply to be able to kiss a boy without risking the feeling of heart break but i made the mistake of falling in love with him. I couldn’t help myself. He was handsome, funny, wonderfully honest and one of the most genuinely kind people i’ve ever met. There was a point when I thought he was my soul mate. His name was Matt.
Perhaps there was a point with each of these boys, when i thought they were my “soul mate”. I was sure for so long that there was only one person I was supposed to spend my life with. I wanted it to be true so badly.
I’m now retiring that belief (or at least trying to). I’ll still pour my heart out every chance I get for the pure experience of it, but without the same commitment. I’m taking out the “have-to” so to speak. I’d like to think now that instead of a soul mate for the rest of my life (a single “one”) that there is a “one” for each moment. Multiple “ones”. I was supposed to love and meet all of those people.Just because a relationship ends, doesn’t mean that the time you spent with them isn’t valid.
With this new perspective, i’ve created a sort of free love mantra. Meaning that I will use this message to practice a purer love. One that is unlimited but expects nothing in return.
Because real love isn’t created with the idea of being loved back. Reciprocation may make the love grow, but the reason you loved that person in the first place was because of them. Because you saw light in them and couldn’t help but be drawn to it. And so I tell myself, I will continue to love and be heart broken without ever expecting someone to promise a lifetime to me. I’ll love in the purest way possible. Freely.