A newsletter from yours truly, in regard to the new decade.
I’m sitting in my room, which has only been my room for about four months now, typing up this *newsletter*. My appointed ‘New Year’s Top’ is hanging on the wall beside me, awaiting public display this evening.
There’s approximately eight hours left in 2019, but I’ll be at work in the latest hours of it- so it’s time to contemplate.
Everyone always says this but really a lot happened this year! I fell in love, and was struck heart broken by betrayal, became angry, then let go of that anger and uncovered a self-reliance I didn’t know I had. I rediscovered my love of reading, changed my hair (a few times), was fired from a job, got a new job, and quit a couple of jobs. I moved into a new home and completed an internship. I met a ton of new people, one of which I have to say I’m particularly fond of. And now the year, correct me, *the decade, is about to end! And I’m preparing to do the whole jig over again. Just differently.
Naturally, I have some New Year’s resolutions- two to be specific. The first is for myself (minding the forthcoming declaration of it in this blog post) and the other is the one that I will share out loud when inevitably asked during tonight’s countdown. This year my public resolution is to do more things that scare me. It’s a real resolution, but happens to have a nice ring to it. You’re thinking, things that scare her? She must be adventurous! I wonder if she’s going to jump off a cliff or go sky diving this year.
Well no. In actuality, the things that scare me are a lot smaller in nature. Things like going to see a movie in the theatre by myself, and sitting in the one coveted seat at my local coffee shop (this intimidates me because what if someone else wants to sit there??).
Then there’s my internal resolution, which is usually more in regard to self-improvement. In the past they’ve been items that at the time were intended to make myself more appealing to others. This year i’m changing that. My resolution is of the self-improvement kind that only pertains to me. I mean literally, it will have zero effect on other people. It’s something that 2019 has taught me I’m capable of, but that 2020 is going to see in stride. Meet my newest internal resolution: “do things by yourself.”
In the latter part of this year, I started to really do things on my own: seeing a movie by myself, going to a gallery by myself, finding the time to sit in a coffee shop and write, going on walks or reading a book. Creating moments and interests that exist only for myself has allowed me to start belonging to myself in a way I hadn’t been able to in my youth and helped me to develop an increasing sense of identity. (For as long as I can remember being aware of myself, I’ve been striving to be better. In that way, I was always on the way to a future me, who would be more me then the me I was at that given moment.) But this year I had a pretty gratifying epiphany: I am the most me now than I will ever be! I’ve had a lot of fun this year making choices by myself too; playing with my wardrobe and my appearance and realizing that each change or experimentation in no way changes my identity. I used to think that physical changes were another means to reaching the ideal me, but the truth is that there is no one final appearance. I am long hair and short hair, bright colours and earth tones. I’m in love and out of love. There is no specific choice that best depicts me because I am an ever evolving person. At current I feel very content with that fact.
As I continue to pursue and adopt new interests, to attend some event or go to some place, I resolve that I no longer have to wait for anybody to come with me. And even if there is someone to come with, sometimes I’m going to do it by myself anyway.
Cheers to 2020 and your resolutions, of the self-improvement kind xxx